My Big Fat Objectionable Wedding
by Holly Unending
Summary: Phoenix and Maya are finally tying the knot! Edgeworth is helping out- after all, how hard could planning a wedding be? With Larry, Pearls, Franziska, Gumshoe, Adrian, Missile, and more running amuck, he's starting to wish he hadn't asked. Mostly humor.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Some Phoenix/Maya fluff thing I wrote when I should have been studying the Apache for my history quiz tomorrow. Hope you enjoy, future nonsense forthcoming.

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**one : friend of the groom**

"What if…Maya doesn't show up?" Wright looked like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Even his hair was wilting. It would have been almost moving if it wasn't the fiftieth time he'd asked in the last ten minutes.

"Don't be stupid, Wright. Why wouldn't she come?"

"I don't know! Maybe she changed her mind at the last minute or it was only a practical joke or-"

I sighed. _Reason? No thanks, maybe later. _"For God's sake, Wright, _listen_ to yourself. You dated for a year before you proposed, she accepted, you've been planning this wedding for half of forever, and-" _Deedle deedle deedle._ "Is that your phone?"

"No, mine's not the Steel Samurai theme song anymore, Maya changed it to the Pink Princess when the new season came out because-"

I cut him off by flipping my phone open and answering with a curt, "Edgeworth."

"Ah, Mr. Edgeworth! Hello!"

"…Your Honor?"

"Yes, yes! What perfect timing, I was just about to call you!"

"…you did just call me. Your Honor."

"Oh. Ho ho ho." I put my hand to my forehead and took a deep breath.

"Your Honor, where are you?"

"What?"

"_Where are you?_ You need to be here in…" I checked my watch. "Twenty minutes to marry Wright and Maya!"

"Oh, that's right. I knew that. At the courthouse, right?"

"Correct." For once, thank god.

"Where is that again?"

"W…Your Honor!! Please concentrate! You work here, you come here every day!!"  
"Oh ho ho." And he hung up. I tucked the phone back into my pocket and prayed fervently that I would never marry; Wright was going to pieces in one of the back corners with Larry no doubt aggravating the situation.

I pulled my childhood "friend" up by the collar of his orange jacket. "Larry, stop tormenting Wright and go change into something halfway decent."

"But Edgeeeey." He gave me puppy-dog eyes- really, he needs to work on those, my heartstrings didn't even twitch.

"Go. NOW. Or I'll have you arrested for indecent exposure, disturbing the peace, contempt of court, trespassing…"

He was gone. Crying, yes, but gone, and that was my priority. "He'll forget about it before he even gets to the bathroom and you know it," I glared at Wright who was giving me A Look.

"Do you really think she'll come?"

"She's here, Wright, _she's here_, it's the Judge we have to worry about! It was enough trouble getting permission to use this place, he'd better not waste it." The courthouse was happy to marry people, but the courtroom-marrying-process usually entailed two people who wanted two witnesses and a guy to bang a gavel and say "Kiss the bride". They did not usually involve gads of friends and a red carpet and flowers everywhere and music from children's television shows. "Now where is Ms. Andrews?"

"Please, call me Adrian." She appeared from seemingly nowhere with a smile, not a hair out of place, casually flipping through her day planner. "And don't worry, Mr. Edgeworth, with your organizational skills and so many of your wonderful friends pitching in, we'll have plenty of time."

"Er. Is the reception area set up?"

"Ah, you remembered!" She beamed. "Of course, the flowers arrived thirty minutes ago and all the refreshments are being refrigerated. The DJ is here too. You do make an excellent wedding planner, if you don't mind me saying."

"Er." _And yet you seem to be doing all the work, while all I can do is flutter round like a headless midwife. I mean headless chicken, or flustered midwife. I am not going to survive six more hours of this_, I groaned inwardly. My fellow wedding planner gave me a sympathetic look and went off to make sure the ushers were prepared. _How did I get coerced into this again? Oh, right. "Friendship." How I love childhood friends._

"Edgey!! I changed!!" My head snapped up at the sound of a pathetically familiar voice.

"Yes. Into my cravat. Change back, please."

"Eh heh heh. But I like it, and this is halfway decent, isn't it?"

"Larry. If you don't change I will strangle you with the cravat, prosecute myself, hire Wright to defend me and undoubtedly win while _you_ will remain _dead_. Change. Into something you own. That is halfway decent. I refuse to write up some kind of legal document binding you to social normality!"

He pouted off, but not before I re-commandeered my extra cravat. Adrian walked into the room as Larry went out, started to say something, and just blinked at me.

"_Yes?_"

"You…have a spare."

"_Yes._ Is the photographer here?"

Before she could answer I noticed Pearl tugging on my coat jacket (_How did she get into the back room?_) and staring up at me with wide eyes. "What's the matter, Pearl?"

"The judge…he…growled at me."

"…growled."

Nod nod nod.

_Deep breath, Miles, deep breath. At least he's here._ "Ms. Andrews, please find the Judge and ask him to kindly stop frightening the cousin of the betrothed, as well as any other small children who may be wandering about. Oh, and if you do see any small children wandering, tell them to plant themselves in some corner out of the way or _get out of the courthouse_."

"Yes, Mr. Edgeworth."

"And find the photographer!" I shouted after her, then changed my mind. "Never mind, I'll do it myself." As I strode quickly out into the hallway, I saw a clash of color out of the corner of my eye- "Larry, you color-blind idiot, that _does not match!_ Try _again!_"

"Edgeeeeeeeyyy…"

Spotting my younger sister lurking in the shadows of an alcove, I marched over to her. "Franziska, thank you for coming."

"I still don't know why _I_ should have to be here, Miles Edgeworth, at such a foolishly foolish excuse for tomfoolery two fools think fooled foolish fools-"

"Yes, of course, and have you seen the photographer?"

Her whip snapped dangerously close to my head, but I was too used to it to even blink.

"No. Fool."

"Please send him, her, or it in my direction if you happen to notice them- I can't remember who we ended up hiring- Good Lord, Wright is going to go broke if he isn't already- and _why are there so many children here?_"

Franziska patted my shoulder awkwardly, but it meant a lot to me. It also helped that at that moment a police dog knocked into my leg and brought me back to reality. "Hang in there, Miles Edgeworth."

"This is the nuttiest wedding of the century," I muttered in disbelief.

"I know!" Pearl had somehow found me again and was jumping up and down in excitement. "And it hasn't even started yet!"

I wasn't one for praying, but this was one case I was prepared to make an exception for.


	2. For Better or For Worse

**A/N:** I don't think Edgeworth is emo or anything, but I think he's rarely _happy_. Well, that's my (unnecessary) opinion. And oh! Oh!! They added those name things to PW! You know, those…name selections… (no one cares/understands)

…

Wow, thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews!! I love you all veeery much and hope this chapter lives up to your expectations! So ANYWAY, without further ado!

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**two : for better or for worse**

Franziska shooed me off, and it was my personal opinion that no matter what she said she really did want this wedding to go, well, _perfectly_. A former Von Karma was planning it after all. I pushed my way into the courtroom and looked around with satisfaction. At the end of each spectator bench, where all Wright and Maya's friends would be sitting, a tiny white bouquet was wrapped up in silver paper fastened with a…nine-looking thing. It seemed very familiar. I thought for a moment, then groaned unhappily. Right. Psycholocks. Whoever's idea _those_ were would be unpleasantly surprised if there were fibbers in the audience. Well, we already knew there was one- Larry.

_CLICK! _I spun around and found myself face-to-lens with…a camera. Probably hiding the photographer. "Finally, there you are."

"Me? Well, gosh dang and golly gee, if that ain't the friendliest greeting greetin' a gal's got all day!" The camera went down and I could see her face- ah yes, that's right, we did hire this person. Her name, unfortunately, escaped me…

"Yes, you wouldn't believe- Wait a moment. You look very familiar."

"Familiar? Me? Well, I suppose I could give you my phone number if you really want it…"

"I- I wasn't hitting on you!!" I groaned. "What did you say your name was again…?"

"Er…Laura! Laura Hartman!" She grinned and rubbed nervously at the back of her afro. She was obviously lying, but I couldn't see any psycholocks. It didn't matter. My prosecutor's sense was tingling.

"Your camera bag says 'Lotta Hart'."

"Oh, that old thing? That's…"

Lotta Hart. Orange hair, camera… _Click._ "You were that witness who testified against me two years ago! The one who committed perjury just to have a good story to tell all her Heartland friends!" I growled accusingly.

"Wha- ME? No, never! I never done a thing like that, y'all've got the wrong gal!"

"Yes, we definitely got the wrong 'gal'…as photographer…"

"Now, listen here! I may've committed perjury here and there," _Here and there?! You mean more than once?! _"…but I take a mean picture with this here professional camera! Mr. Wright paid for it himself, you know, so I offered to take the pictures at his wedding for 75!"

"75 off? Well, that is generous of you." Of course I don't allow my emotions so much sway over me as to pass up a significant financial benefit. _I enjoy spending money as much as the next man._ _And more, Wright would say._

"Oh no, no, a gal's gotta have _something _to live off of. I meant 75 of the usual total. Comes to about three hundred grand, give or take."

_Wright is doomed._

"Please, just… go take pictures." _CLICK._ "I- I'm blind!"

"Ha ha. You ain't blind, pinky boy! That was just the flash from my high-powered camera!"

"High power- why are you taking pictures of _me?!_" I blinked furiously, trying to clear my vision.

"You're part of the wedding party, ain'tcha? You're included in the package price! Plus, you ain't bad-looking, although yer a bit uptight for me. And pink."

"I…am going to go find someone else to talk to now. Goodbye."

I wandered away, hoping my vision would return soon and bumping into several unsuspecting passersby in the process. All of a sudden a thought hit me: _Just how much time do I have left? _I checked my rather expensive watch. _Hmmn. Not a whole lot. I suppose I should notify the ushers, but I'm not exacty sure how to do that without making a fool out of myself..._ A sigh. _Like this wedding hasn't made fools out of everyone already._

"Ushers! Get to your positions, you need to begin seating people!" I started to shout, weaving my way among the crowd and trying vainly to be heard. _I don't need a cravat, I need a megaphone! _

I have never believed in an almighty God that can grant prayers, wishes, know our innermost thoughts…it's ridiculous. If there was a God, why would someone like me, a prosecutor, need to exist? An omnipotent being would be much better at meting out justice than a couple of men in suits, wouldn't it? And yet…

A man carrying a megaphone suddenly appeared in front of me.

Like, _bing_, thank you for praying with us, we appreciate your service. Surreal. But _handy._ I strode over and plucked the megaphone right out of his hands. "This omnipotent deity thing just might work out," I mused, and went to find higher ground.

"Sir?! Mr. Edgeworth sir? That's my megaphooooooooooone!!"

_What an eerily familiar screech,_ I thought vaguely. _I wonder how much longer I can hold out until I start having flashbacks._ Finally I clambered atop a chair with as much dignity as I could manage and held the megaphone to my lips. Ah, it'd been years since I'd used one of these…yes, since sports day in fourth grade.

…

"I had really hoped I would never have to remember that particular day," I muttered to myself, forgetting that I had the megaphone up to my face. People around me started to stare and murmur to each other.

"Uh oh, pal. Mr. Edgeworth's finally lost it."

"What is he talking about? Is he just talking to himself?"

"Mommy, why is that man wearing pink?"

I cleared my throat in an attempt to regain control of the situation; it came through the megaphone like the roar of the ocean. This seemed to especially confuse Detective Gumshoe, who looked about as though he were really at the beach and expected to be hit with a wave at any second. I waited a moment to see if he started making seagull noises- we all need our stress-relievers, you know- and then shouted out, "All ushers, take your positions! ALL USHERS. Larry, this means you and you had better be wearing something remotely respectable!"

Larry shouted something that distantly sounded like, "I'm the best maaaaan, not an usher!"

"You. Usher. Now. Just a minute, who else is an usher? Gumshoe, Mr. Powers, Mr. DeLite, get to your positions now and begin seating people. Guests of the bride on the left, guests of the groom on the right, please."

There was a sudden flurry of activity on the parts of three of the ushers, and an unsurprising lack of activity on Larry's part.

"Um, excuse me? You can't sit there. Hello? Please listen to me! Notice me! NOTICE MEEEEEE!" I winced. Mr. DeLite was having a nervous breakdown, his hair springing out and tears beading at the edges of his eyes. I wanted to recommend a psychiatrist, but thought that it might be in bad taste. Instead I stalked over to the offending guest- a man with a disturbingly bulbous red nose and a bag of birdseed- to give him my very best death glare.

"That is my seat. I suggest you move."

He muttered incomprehensibly for a moment but finally scuttled away.

"And no food is allowed in the- gaah!" I threw my hands up in front of my face as the old man started to pelt me with birdseed. "S-stop that at once!"

"Just who do you think you are?! Ordering your elders around like garbage! Gah! Eat birdseed!"

As I retreated out of his range with the unfortunate Mr. DeLite, I briefly wondered if I had just met Wendy Oldbag's soulmate. When we passed Larry lounging around being useless, I snapped, "Larry, go clean up in aisle twelve."

"But I'm a best man and an usher already!"

"And now you're going to be a maid. Just think of yourself as a renaissance man."

"Dude, yeah, _renaissance_! I'm gonna be like a jack of all trades!"

"Like a jack of _something_, certainly," I muttered. But all in all I had to admit I was satisfied with the way things were turning out. Before I could get on his case again for having his dress shirt on inside out, someone tapped me gently on the shoulder.

"Mr. Edgeworth, it's time for you to meet with the rest of the wedding party," Ms. Andrews reminded me.

"Thank you. I'll do that now. Come along, Jack." Larry hopped up from where he had been taste-testing the birdseed from the floor. Revolting.

"Er, Mr. Edgeworth, isn't that…Mr. Butz…?"

"Yes."

"But you called him…"

I hesitated. "Do I have time to explain?"

"No, probably not," she smiled warmly. "Go have fun!"

I didn't know about fun, but I was going, Jack/Larry in tow. Slipping inside the back room, I stood with Larry, the other best man, and our counterparts: Maggey and Bikini.

"Hello, sir!! Ready for the wedding?" Maggey saluted me. It looked a little out of place with her elegant white dress, and there was no reason to salute me in the first place, but Maggey would be Maggey.

"Hello, Ms. Byrde. You're looking…energetic."

"Oh, yes sir!! I've been looking forward to this wedding for forever, I mean, since the very first time I saw those two together I knew they would be perfect for each other, and Gummy says that when he met them he thought Mr. Wright was a killer but that's just ridiculous, I mean, oh no, I'm sorry, I talk a lot when I get nervous and I hope I don't bring any bad luck to this wedding!" She gasped and clutched at my sleeve. "Oh noooo! What if because of me, Mr. Wright and Maya get a divooooorce?!"

I pried her fingers off with a wince, smoothing down my sleeve. "Don't be ridiculous. Oh, and Larry? You have birdseed stuck between your teeth." I managed to pass the next few nervous minutes by criticizing Larry, and then the music began to play. Momentarily, everyone panicked. "Who goes first? Mr. Edgeworth!! I forgot!"

"The flower girl," I hissed to them, and then we were on our slow, stately way.

Pearl was a very, very enthusiastic flower girl, which is a polite way to say I think I am permanently blinded in my left eye. Oh, I can just imagine my optometrist's confusion. _You were blinded by a flower? Surely you are joking, Mr. Edgeworth!_

_…Unfortunately, no. _

_Was it a criminal? An escaped convict who wanted revenge on you for your daring good looks and ruthless rhetorical savvy? Perhaps a deranged florist who showed no mercy to you, despite all your intelligence and charisma?!_

_No, it was actually a happy little girl. And as fun as this conversation has been, I think I will return to reality as it is becoming quite ridiculous. Goodbye._

Anyway, Pearls frolicked her way up the aisle and went to stand with the bridesmaids, both of whom were bawling openly. Hmm. As my sight returned, I noticed that her dress seemed a little…baggy. I made a mental note to put an interesting surprise in the tailor's next pay check. Thinking of pay checks reminded me of the photographer, so I looked away from Pearl to find Lotta, and then I looked back to the little girl to find… a not little girl.

_What the-_

There was someone standing where Pearl used to be who looked kind of like Pearl. With generous emphasis on the _kind of_. She was much taller, much older, much more mature, with an absolutely not baggy dress bordering on indecent exposure. And the strangest thing was that she looked strikingly _familiar_. I strained to remember where I'd seen her before. This familiarity thing was getting quite annoying, really. Perhaps she worked with Wright? And then I stopped straining and stopped remembering and almost even stopped breathing, cliché as that is, because the music swelled all around us and carried the bride into the court.

I'd never seen Maya like this. None of us had. And despite all the chaos and foolishness I'd had to endure just for this moment, I guess I could see why Wright would do something like this- get married, I mean. Maybe it was the beauty in her ebony hair tumbling loose over her shoulders, or the perfect cut of her pure snowy dress, or how the train rippled out behind her like the wake swans leave in water, or maybe it was just the way her eyes shone that even the cloud of her veil couldn't conceal. She was beautiful, and she loved him.

I tore my gaze away from the bride to look at the groom, and found the exact same emotions radiating from him. Had Wright ever…ever _glowed_ like that before? Had his hair ever been that sharp, or his tie that straight? Had I ever seen him smile like that, like he was smiling hard enough to force tears from his eyes?

And when the two of them finally broke even- when they finally turned and held each other's hands- it was a strange coincidence that at the exact moment I had to rub some dust out of my eye. Yes, I maintain that it was dust, no matter what Larry may or may not believe.

They took their vows through teary smiles. Wright slipped a ring onto Maya's finger- surprisingly enough it didn't appear to be made of tinfoil from this distance. I wondered vaguely where he was getting the money to do this, but it seemed trivial at the moment. Maya gently pushed Wright's ring onto his left hand.

Up until this point, things had seemed to follow the general guidelines of a wedding ceremony, but they did drastically change just one part.

"If anyone OBJECTS to these two NOT being married, OBJECT now or forever hold your peace," the judge chortled.

Everyone spent a few worrisome seconds working out exactly what the judge was asking them to do, and then, not surprisingly, the entire room rose up willingly, fingers outstretched, shouts mingling and overlapping:

"OBJECTION!"

A roar of laughter followed. Missile barked, and I noticed that there was a house plant in the front row with a bow tie waving its leaves happily. The happy couple looked like they were smiling hard enough to crack their faces in two.

"I now pronounce you-" the judge paused dramatically, giving me a sick sense of déjà vu.

**NOT GUILTY**

I elbowed him and hissed, "Man and wife, Your Honor, _man and wife!_"

"Just kidding, man and wife! You may kiss the bride!"

Wright blushed a little- what a pansy, really- and then kissed his new wife. He leaned down a bit to whisper something in the bride's ear and she started giggling, then laughing, until finally she just couldn't contain her happiness any longer. She broke tradition- because _that_ hadn't happened before at this wedding- by grabbing his hands and pulling him down the aisle after her. As soon as those two abandoned all pretense of ceremony, so did everyone else, creating a cascade of bridesmaids, best men, detectives, prosecutors, and even a small cluster of people dressed as space aliens (which I was sorely tempted to question) pouring down the aisle. I followed them at a quick trot. I didn't even stop to think about how ridiculous I must've looked with my cravat fluttering up into my face, I was too…anxious? No, that wasn't right at all. Satisfied? Pleased? Content? Or…

Happy.

I suppose you could say that the reason for my participation in this frivolous little spectator-jog was _happiness_. Just don't expect me to see me on Baywatch anytime soon.

After a disorderly push through the wood-paneled hallways, we emerged together into the sudden sunlight, a joyful collective, everything brighter. People were looking forward to "Drinking and eating and dancing and hugging and talking all night," as Ms. Andrews informed me with starry eyes before waving down a limousine. I stood awkwardly at the side of the road as each friendly little clique piled into a car and motored away.

Hmm. I'd always thought true happiness would be a little…more permanent.

"Mr. Edgeworth!"

My head snapped up. A pale arm emerged from the one remaining limousine and waved energetically at me. "Mr. Edgeworth!"

As the door closed behind me with a classy-sounding _click,_ I raised my eyebrows at Ms. Andrews. "Wedding planners ride in style?"

She giggled and pushed her glasses up her nose. "Oh yes." _Giggled._ The Ms. Andrews I knew during the De Killer case would never have _giggled._ It gave me a strange mixture of pleasure and guilt to know that after all the pain I'd caused her, she was now laughing at a not-so-witty comment I'd made.

Life was so complicated, I thought wearily, staring at the house plant which had somehow migrated to the seat across from us and was rustling contentedly to the rhythm of the car. Its nametag read "Charley".

Complicated and strange.

But also happy.

As we pulled up to the hotel where the reception would take place, a bellboy ran up to us and motioned frantically for us to roll down the window. "Sir, there's been a complaint about our uniforms! The groom says the black leather gloves scare him, but they're part of our uniform and I'll be fired if I don't wear them! Besides that, sir, a huge stuffed bear was delivered for a Mr. Phoenix Wright but I'm not sure if it'll fit through the doorway, what should I do with it?! Also, MaskDeMasque just arrived, he's insisting he not be arrested because he has an invitation. Oh! And there's a man in a costume claiming to be a 'blue badger', but it's quite suspicious, doesn't look anything like a badger…"

I looked over at Ms. Andrews and smiled wearily.

She beamed back. "Don't you just love weddings?"

"I wouldn't know," I said evenly, stepping out onto the sidewalk and straightening my cravat, "this occasion is so outside of the definition of a wedding it practically needs its own dictionary."

She laughed and we set off to work our magic.


End file.
